I don't know why, but I go into these periods of absolute laziness. It's really bad...I will sit at the computer for hours and do nothing. I only have a few pages that I frequent, and I will just cycle between those pages continuously for long amounts of time, like something will have changed on one of them in the 10 minutes since I've last been to that page. Hazen told me a couple of weeks ago that he thinks I have some post partum depression going on (thanks, Dear...you're kind of supposed to mention that when you first notice it!), and I wouldn't be surprised if I do have it mildly. I am pretty anti-medication, so I'm trying to make myself more "aware" of it and pay more attention to what I'm doing.
One of my biggest failings as a Christian is that I don't spend time in the Word. Like, at all. I will tell you with 100% certainty that I just don't have TIME...that's CRAP. I just choose to spend the time doing other things. Like the cycling through the internet thing. If I can find time for that, surely I can find a few minutes to spend with God! And it's not just that I spend time doing useless things, I spend time doing things that need to be done, but I do it in a way and at times that really don't allow me to make the most of the hours in the day. For example, my mornings are always chaotic and for no reason other than that I make them that way. We get up. I spend time on the computer. I might make my way to the shower an hour later. I might get dressed after that...or not. I'll know we need to do our schooling and/or run errands. But we CAN'T because Teagan is almost ready for her morning nap...yeah. I basically waste two hours every morning. I get her down for nap, then I have to do the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher). On schooling days, depending on how we did in the morning before nap, we either finish that up or I clean up from it. If it's a cleaning day (typically Monday and Friday) I will clean. These are all important things, but things that could be done more efficiently and at better timing.
Don't get me wrong, I am BUSY. My days seriously feel non-stop, go-go-go. Even when I'm doing my computer cycling, I'm constantly up doing other things. I just find myself back in this chair looking at things that don't matter as opposed to getting ready to do something else that we should or could be doing.
So this week, I have started to use my time intentionally. And the interesting thing is, the more I do it, the less I feel the need/desire to waste time. The early mornings are actually a perfect time to do the dishes or run to the grocery store; Teagan is in a great mood right after waking! But that requires me to not waste time, which means I'm getting up, getting ready, getting everyone dressed, and getting us out the door. It's not difficult to do (we are about to head out the door now...at 8:30...the kids have only been up for about 30 minutes!), I just typically don't do it. During Teagan's nap, I have initiated a "quiet time"; Ian has to either play quietly in his room or play in the backyard for 30-40 minutes while Mommy reads her Bible. Today is day three. The first day went well, though Ian did pop out every few minutes to ask if quiet time was over. Yesterday did not go as well, with him crying and destroying his train set and bed because he wanted to play in the living room. Today we are getting a timer so when it goes off, he'll know when we're done. Hopefully that will help. They say it takes 6 weeks to make something a habit. So with three days down (I'm counting today, although it hasn't happened yet!) we have 39 days left until this should be a habit. Which is, incidentally, the number of days left until Christmas. What better way to celebrate Christ's birthday than with a new habit that actually puts Him in a priority position in my life? And I know that by doing that, the other pieces of my life will start to fall into the places they should be at, especially my husband and my children.
So, wish me luck. I feel better each day and this is only the beginning. I am very hopeful that this is the kick start I have been needing for the last few months to get me out of the funk that I seem to be stuck in.
Guilty guilty guilty over here. I just chalk it up to pure laziness... sleep deprivation... an overwhelmed brain space.... It is completely normal (and good) to just be sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWhile I do agree that using time wisely is important--and a traditional Christian value as well--for your own well-being and sanity, you need time for yourself to just do whatever, and you need to give yourself permission to do it without guilt.
As for personal devotion time, I've never been very good at it. Maybe you can start by going through the Lectionary--the scripture-reading cycle set up to unify churches. Many churches read through the Bible based on the selections of the Lectionary (so the entire Bible would get read over a 3-year period, some portions will be read more than once) so that Christian persons can all be reading the same parts of the Bible at the same time and learning about the same issues. The more "high" church (hymns, readings, incense, etc.), the more likely they are to follow the Lectionary cycle. Just do a search for "Revised Common Lectionary". I always felt lost when deciding what to read and when. But the Lectionary cycle is super helpful and grounding for me.
Oh, I absolutely agree with needing "me" time. I just find that my "me" time is much more enjoyable when I'm able to sit down and really do something I want to (read a book, watch a movie or TV show, sew, work on a puzzle...with a glass of wine...) rather than having it broken up into 5 minute increments throughout the day with one or both children screaming at me the entire time. Plus, it's just easier for me to de-stress if I know I've spent my time well during the day and if that pile of laundry is still sitting there it's not because I just didn't do it, it's because I chose to not make it a priority and it can wait until the next day. I'm trying to make everything more intentional, "me" time included. :)
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