I Have No Words

I think I have been called to help children. How, I am not sure. But, somehow, children are my calling. My biggest issue to overcome, I think, is that I can't help them all. Sometimes I feel so completely tiny and useless. I can't solve the problem of orphans, I can't feed the hungry. I try to tell myself that IT IS ENOUGH if I can help even one. But honestly? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like if I can't help ALL why do ONE? That's wrong and completely backwards and I know it. But it's so hard to think about picking one child and leaving the rest to suffer. I can't even go into the Humane Society because how do I pick one cat or dog and leave the rest? It seriously hurts my heart. A couple of months ago, we sponsored a 5-year-old, Olivier, through Compassion International. At the time of our picking him, he had been waiting 13 months for a family, in an AIDS-riddled place, and was considered a priority child. While I am so happy for the good that our money and letters, as little as they are, are providing for Olivier and his family, I also feel so horrible for all the children that we aren't helping. We want to adopt. Our "goal" is to adopt from China and Africa. But how do we "choose" these children? How do we decide that one is worthy of life as an American and all the opportunities that provides, while the rest aren't (and, seriously, the possibility of neglect--or worse!--starvation?)? Do we trust that God will lead us to the children we should have? And if that is so, who is to say they are in China and Africa? Lately I find myself drawn to special needs children, particularly Down's Syndrome. But, financially and emotionally, we are not ready for adoption. But is that true or just our mistaken human perception? I just don't know. I realize this post makes no sense. I struggle so much with children. I love and adore them all, completely and fully. And the fact that I can't save them all rests heavy on my heart. I know that helping none isn't the answer for me, but the idea of who do I help and who don't I weighs so heavy. For now, I suppose, I will just focus on the babies I have been blessed with. As someone who has dealt with infertility I COMPLETELY understand how lucky I am and how much these two are MEANT to be here. But I still struggle, so much, for all those children that are already here and are going to bed hungry and/or unloved tonight. For them I so desperately pray that something better is on the horizon. And that when one (or more) of them are meant to join our family (through sponsorship or adoption) that we are able and willing to receive the message.