Breast IS Best

As I get older, I find myself getting angry. We live in a society that prefers convenience over health, and in the process we are killing ourselves or, perhaps even worse, causing ourselves to live with diseases and ailments for years. We justify it all saying that it's just the card we were dealt, just luck (or lack of) the draw. But looking back at the changes Americans have made in our lives, particularly when it comes to diet, it shouldn't be a surprise that we're all starting to fall apart.

I will preface this by saying I am NOT perfect. I eat all sorts of things I know (or am beginning to realize) I shouldn't. I just had a bowl of Cocoa Puffs with milk...organic milk, but cow's milk nonetheless. I've been known to hit a drive thru because it's easier. And there are some nights I enjoy a little too much drinky drink, even though I know it's not good for me. See? Not perfect. Not even close.

What burns me up the most, though, are the food choices we make for our children. And even worse are the choices we make for our BRAND NEW children. Our country has done an amazing job of making questionable companies with questionable practices very rich (Google Nestle...they have literally killed thousands of babies in third world countries. Disgusting). We've done this by giving new mom's formula in the hospital, by "fixing" any breastfeeding issues with supplementation, by allowing relentless marketing of this liquid that is "almost as good as breastmilk". We don't have any kind of required PAID maternity leave for mothers who will return to work, lactation consultants are few and far between (and often aren't as knowledgeable as they could be...I personally think that having personal breastfeeding experience should be a requirement to be a LC). We tell moms-to-be how great breastfeeding is, but that's often as far as the support goes. Once that baby is born, there are 10 sources shouting "use this formula!" to every one trying to support the breastfeeding relationship. It's ridiculous.

The rest of this isn't going to be PC. It's not going to be popular. It's how I feel, though. I will stress that I am not upset at or judging moms who feed formula. I am upset at a country, society, and medical community who push it as if it's completely fine, that by feeding it we are not damaging our children.

My first thought is that breastfeeding should be as natural and as expected as pregnancy. Nursing our children is the next natural step after giving birth. Just like we can't pass pregnancy onto someone else, we can't (or rather, shouldn't) pass infant feeding on either. It's biologically WRONG. As women, we are meant to nurture our growing babies with our bodies, from the moment they are conceived until some point in the future when that child no longer needs the comfort and nutrition of mama's milk (although, in our country, the popular opinion is that occurs once baby grows a tooth, starts solids, or has a birthday...an entirely different post for a different day...).

I realize that sometimes formula is necessary and THANK GOD for it. It has saved lives, I don't deny it that in the least. I feel like formula should be treated more as the "NICU" part of some babies lives, though, rather than the "pregnancy" part. The ideal is clearly to be pregnant until the point in time when the baby is healthy enough to be born. The same should be true of breastfeeding. Breastmilk should be the ideal with the "NICU" formula as the backup. It should not be considered as good and healthy as breastmilk because it's not. It's great and wonderful for babies and mommies who can't breastfeed, but it is not equal.

This leads into my next point, and that is advertising. But I'm not going to go the usual direction with this and say that formula advertising is bad. I feel that way, but that's not the point I want to make right now. The point I want to make right now is that BREASTFEEDING advertising is misleading. "What?" you say? Well, let me explain.

This poster came from bestforbabes.com. It's nice enough. It shows all the great things that breastfeeding "lowers" the risk of. But I don't like it. Know why? Because I don't believe that breastfeeding lowers the risk of ANYTHING. Breastfeeding is the norm, it is the way babies were made to be fed, the way mothers were meant to feed. The amount of risk that breastfed babies have for SIDS, obesity, allergies, cancer, diabetes, asthma, etc is the AMOUNT OF RISK THAT THEY ARE BIOLOGICALLY INTENDED TO HAVE. Same applies to the lowered risk of breast and ovarian cancers in mothers--those are the levels of risk we are SUPPOSED TO HAVE. Breastfeeding doesn't lower anything. It's like saying breathing oxygen lowers your risk of suffocating. It's ridiculous. The fact is that formula INCREASES THE RISK of all of those things. A more accurate and fair depiction of why breastfeeding is important would be a poster showing why formula is harmful. I think if a poster were made stating that "Feeding this product increases your child's risk of leukemia by 15%" a lot more people would think twice about feeding their child that product. The point is not to make parents feel bad, the point is to fully educate. We're not helping anyone, especially not our children, by sugar coating the fact that we are giving our babies a processed, flawed food as their primary source of nutrition.

So, again, this is not intended to make moms feel badly or guilty. This is intended to show the backwards craziness of our country when it comes to public health. I understand that formula was developed because there is a need for it, and I appreciate that need. But I also know that it is not "needed" nearly as often as it is used, and that's what upsets me.

It Was a Nice Run

16 months post partum, it finally happened...my first period. I am really not excited about it and I had convinced myself that since Little Miss is still nursing around the clock I probably had awhile to go yet. It's right on schedule for me, though, if not a little early (I got it at 17 months with Mister Man). So now we need to figure out what to do TTC wise. The plan has been to not prevent. I don't get pregnant quickly and easily anyway, so there didn't seem to be a point. The problem is, though, that for the first time ever we have a BIG vacation planned next summer, one that will last about 2 weeks sometime between mid July and mid August. So now we need to figure out what to do; do we do nothing and risk an ill-timed due date (as unlikely as we know that is, it could happen. Especially since my due dates LOVE to fall at difficult times)? Do we prevent for a few months to avoid the risk of having a newborn and/or me being too pregnant to travel? For most people this is probably a pretty easy decision. We could try this month and travel with a 1-2 month old. Not ideal, but not impossible. Then we could put it off for 3-4 months and try again. The difficulty for me, though, is that I have endometriosis. And the only thing that stops it from growing is pregnancy/not menstrating. So the fact that I am no longer either of those things means that the growth is going to start again and each cycle that goes by without a pregnancy will mean more growth and more trouble in the future. Hormonal birth control can help, but I'm breastfeeding and don't really like the idea of using a combination pill right now. So I don't know. I guess we have some big decisions to make. It seems silly to even think about it, really, since it took over two years to get pregnant with our current children, but I can't just pretend that no one has ever gotten a "surprise!" baby. Obviously we will be thrilled whenever it happens, but this vacation really is a very big deal and very important, for Hazen and the kids especially. I don't want to risk taking it from them. Oy.

I Have No Words

I think I have been called to help children. How, I am not sure. But, somehow, children are my calling. My biggest issue to overcome, I think, is that I can't help them all. Sometimes I feel so completely tiny and useless. I can't solve the problem of orphans, I can't feed the hungry. I try to tell myself that IT IS ENOUGH if I can help even one. But honestly? It doesn't feel like it. It feels like if I can't help ALL why do ONE? That's wrong and completely backwards and I know it. But it's so hard to think about picking one child and leaving the rest to suffer. I can't even go into the Humane Society because how do I pick one cat or dog and leave the rest? It seriously hurts my heart. A couple of months ago, we sponsored a 5-year-old, Olivier, through Compassion International. At the time of our picking him, he had been waiting 13 months for a family, in an AIDS-riddled place, and was considered a priority child. While I am so happy for the good that our money and letters, as little as they are, are providing for Olivier and his family, I also feel so horrible for all the children that we aren't helping. We want to adopt. Our "goal" is to adopt from China and Africa. But how do we "choose" these children? How do we decide that one is worthy of life as an American and all the opportunities that provides, while the rest aren't (and, seriously, the possibility of neglect--or worse!--starvation?)? Do we trust that God will lead us to the children we should have? And if that is so, who is to say they are in China and Africa? Lately I find myself drawn to special needs children, particularly Down's Syndrome. But, financially and emotionally, we are not ready for adoption. But is that true or just our mistaken human perception? I just don't know. I realize this post makes no sense. I struggle so much with children. I love and adore them all, completely and fully. And the fact that I can't save them all rests heavy on my heart. I know that helping none isn't the answer for me, but the idea of who do I help and who don't I weighs so heavy. For now, I suppose, I will just focus on the babies I have been blessed with. As someone who has dealt with infertility I COMPLETELY understand how lucky I am and how much these two are MEANT to be here. But I still struggle, so much, for all those children that are already here and are going to bed hungry and/or unloved tonight. For them I so desperately pray that something better is on the horizon. And that when one (or more) of them are meant to join our family (through sponsorship or adoption) that we are able and willing to receive the message.

Food Wars

Breast vs. Bottle. It's unrelenting. Talk to any group of moms with babies for any amount of time, and it will inevitably come up. There is no escaping it.

I've never been a "bottle feeder" so I can't speak to that side. I can say that I don't judge those that choose formula (keyword: choose). I don't understand it and it makes me a bit sad that those babies don't get the wonderful benefits of breastfeeding. It makes me sad when that baby is dealing with stomach issues and has to be put on formula after formula to find the one that doesn't upset her tummy. It makes me sad when 5-month-olds are getting tubes in their ears because of chronic ear infections. It makes me sad to see colds go through a family and hit the baby hard because she doesn't have mommy's antibodies and white blood cells protecting her. But I don't look at the parents like they are less than or horrible. I blame our society for letting formula become the norm, formula companies that make their product look wonderful, convenient, and healthy, health professionals for taking "bribes" in the form of free formula and gifts for new mothers, and I blame those who are supposed to be helping mothers breastfeed for sabotaging their efforts. It all just makes me sad.

The majority of the mothers I know who "tried" to breastfeed stopped for reasons that are completely normal. One friend told me she "tried and failed" within 5 days of her baby's birth--you can't fail at it that quickly! Seriously, it's IMPOSSIBLE to "fail" at breastfeeding in 5 days. Another stopped nursing her 6-week-old because she "wasn't making enough" and her baby was always wanting to nurse, and she could only pump an ounce at a time. Breastfed babies cluster feed. They do it to ensure that you DO make enough for their upcoming growth spurt. The pump sucks at getting milk out. I have successfully nursed both my babies, and when I pump I rarely get more than an ounce or two at a time. It's normal and no indication that I'm not producing (since I clearly AM). Other moms are told to supplement after two days if their milk hasn't come in, or if baby isn't gaining weight quickly enough. That first bottle is often the beginning of the end, but the mother thinks it is necessary and later says her milk never came in. Families are unsupportive because the last couple of generations didn't breastfeed. Formula was marketed to the masses and promised moms convenience, shared feedings, more sleep.

I am not saying formula is bad. I don't feel that way about it, I think the original purpose of it is fantastic and life saving. I am just against the way that corporate greed has gotten in the way of the original intent and put the overall health of our country at risk.

The other thing that AMAZES me is that formula is a processed food. It is up for recalls (and has been recalled too many times for me to feel safe giving it to my children as their sole or primary source of nutrition), it is tainted, it is full of non-food items. Overall, I believe our country is aware that processed foods aren't good for us. We still eat them, sure, but we know when we're making that box of mac n cheese or pulling into the drive thru that we're not making the best food choice. So I just can't understand how a baby's first food could be a completely processed one, but seen as a healthy and normal thing. It just blows my mind.

Mention breastfeeding in any kind of positive way pulicly or online, and there will ALWAYS (seriously: ALWAYS) be at least one person who ends up feeling attacked about their formula usage. Doesn't matter if the thing said even involved the word "formula", it will happen. Example: two days ago my baby girl had her 9-month-appointment. She is big and healthy at 18lbs and 28 1/4 inches (and still primarily on mommy's milk). However, EVERY SINGLE TIME I take her to the pediatrician, it is assumed that I bottle feed. EVERY SINGLE TIME with this time being no different. After the initial exam, the first information related to me was "We want her weaned off the bottle and formula by 12 months". Okay... I'm part of an online group with mommies of babies born in March 2011, like my sweet girl. So I posted my frustration at having a pediatrician who offers ZERO support for breastfeeding, who assumes I bottle feed EVERY SINGLE TIME (and has since our very first appointment at two months) and who gave me paperwork telling me not to feed her at night (the paperwork made no mention of breastfeeding, only formula), to not cuddle her or acknowledge her when she wakes, and to let her cry it out. ALL of those things go directly against my parenting style, so I mentioned I would like to find a ped who more matches my beliefs but that it might be impossible considering I only know one other breastfeeding mother in the town I live in. We are NOT a breastfeeding dominated community in any sense. That is all I said. And sure enough, the second response I got was "Formula feeders have it much worse" and went on to bash mothering.com and Dr Sears for their stances on it and AP parenting.

The reason I tell this story (and it is only one of many that I have, but it's the most recent) is to point out the complete unfairness in the debate. I can't say that formula feeders have it worse because I haven't been there. I can say that breastfeeders don't have it easy, though. My suspicion is that both sides have their own, unique difficulties. And if I had to, I think I would say that the breastfeeding side IS worse, and the reason I would say that is because it is unarguably the best thing for babies. But when a breastfeeding mother is attacked, unsupported, or sabotaged the result is too often a switch to a less good food (and I don't feel like this is bashing formula feeders: it is FACT that breastmilk is BEST for babies; anything else is less good). The babies are the ones suffering in this debate, not the mothers.

Breastfeeding can't be talked about. The benefits of it must not be mentioned, mothers must not proudly tell others that they breastfeed. To do these things is considered a direct insult to anyone who uses formula, whether it is intended that way or not. However, it is completely fair for every other commercial on TLC to be for formula. It is completely fair to have ads for formula in parenting magazines. It is completely fair for baby bottles to accompany every baby doll. It is completely fair to send a mom-to-be a formula sample in the mail. It is completely fair to send a new family home with a "gift bag" sponsored by a formula company and filled with helpful things like formula, coupons, and bottles. But we don't get to see breastfeeding commercials. Doctors can't tell us too much about the benefits of it because then they are being "pushy". Friends can't offer advice when breastfeeding is failing because then they are being unsupportive. Why the lopsided representation? We are told "Breast is Best" but society doesn't back that up.

We need more information. We need commercials, ads, pamphlets. We need to see mothers nursing and nursing "older" babies (many think after 6-months is inappropriate; I would say most find over a year to be "wrong"). I realize part of the reason that formula ads are so prevelant is because the formula companies make them. They are willing to spend the big money to get their names into mom's heads. So who would fund breastfeeding ads? I honestly don't know. I am aware that there is much more to it than just "make a commercial!" But something needs to be done. Because while breastfeeding is making gains, it is not happening quickly or drastically enough.

Hormones (and a little TMI)

I have been on the mini pill since Teagan was about 6 weeks old. I don't really know why other than that I wanted to make sure to get through the first year of her life without becoming pregnant again. I feel very strongly about breastfeeding AT LEAST through the first year (and ideally until self-weaning), so I wanted to be sure to give her at least that. Plus, I want to give her her time to be "the baby".

Now, if you know anything about my history, you know thinking that pregnancy is likely/possible in the first year is ridiculous. I was only on BC for about two months after we were married. 22 months later, we finally got pregnant (not trying, not preventing) only to miscarry shortly after. 6 months after that, with hardcore TRYING we got pregnant with Ian; so 28 months total. While I was in my early 20s and at the supposed "peak" of my fertility. I didn't get a period until Ian was 17 months old, he weaned at 22 months. We started trying right around then, and 22 months later, we finally got pregnant with Teagan. So, seriously, I'm not getting pregnant this year. I'm just not. But mentally, I felt the need to do *something* to be sure, just to give all the benefits I can to Teagan. (I do know it is completely possible to breastfeed through an entire pregnancy and even tandem nurse once the new baby comes. But I also know a lot of babies/toddlers self-wean during pregnancy, and I don't want to risk that before we've hit the 12-month mark.)

I used the minipill for the first 17 months with Ian, then used the NuvaRing for a couple of months to regulate my cycle after that (my first period was stopped after 6 weeks by switching to the ring). I really didn't have any noticeable side effects from the minipill, though I didn't start it until Ian was 6 months old since the hubby was deployed and I had no need of any kind of birth control. This time, however, oh my goodness. I am a mood swinging mess. It was tolerable when there was some "swing" in my moods, meaning I was happy at least part of the time, but over the last few weeks I have been pretty much miserable. I'm just cranky and angry all the time. And I have ZERO sex drive, which is unfair for my poor husband (not that he wants to spend all that much time around me right now anyway!).

So, three days ago, I stopped taking the pill. Already I feel a HUGE improvement in my mood (could also have something to do with that fact that Teagan slept 9 hours straight last night for the first time in weeks!). I'm alert, I'm happy, I have my motivation back. I was starting to feel concern that I should be getting checked out for post partum depression, but the fact that each day off the pill has been markedly better than the day before has me hopeful that that was the main source of my issues, not PPD.

I've never liked the idea of hormonal BC, I don't like to "mess" with things, but at the same time I don't really know what else to do. Right now it's not such an issue. I'm only 8 months postpartum; I likely have a good 9-12 months before I even start cycling again (based on my previous experience with Ian). The problem comes once I do start. Based on my last experience, there is a good chance I will bleed and bleed until I do something to stop it-something hormonal. Once it stops, I'm not so worried about getting pregnant again. We would like one more, though we know it will probably take awhile, if it even happens at all. BUT the catch is that I have endometriosis. And the best treatment for endo is pregnancy or birth control (or no period at all thanks to breastfeeding!). The longer I go without achieving a pregnancy once my period starts again, the worse the endo is likely to get. The worse the endo gets, the harder it will likely be to conceive. Once the endo has grown, there aren't many options outside of surgery for getting rid of it. I can reduce the symptoms by going on BC, but that obviously won't help us in conceiving. Add to that that Hazen doesn't want to go crazy trying again, he just wants to wait and see what happens; no doctors, no testing, no surgeries, no "deposits" in a cup...see the issue?

Oh well. For now I am BC free and totally happy. I guess I'll deal with the rest when the time comes.

Spending Time Intentionally

I don't know why, but I go into these periods of absolute laziness. It's really bad...I will sit at the computer for hours and do nothing. I only have a few pages that I frequent, and I will just cycle between those pages continuously for long amounts of time, like something will have changed on one of them in the 10 minutes since I've last been to that page. Hazen told me a couple of weeks ago that he thinks I have some post partum depression going on (thanks, Dear...you're kind of supposed to mention that when you first notice it!), and I wouldn't be surprised if I do have it mildly. I am pretty anti-medication, so I'm trying to make myself more "aware" of it and pay more attention to what I'm doing.

One of my biggest failings as a Christian is that I don't spend time in the Word. Like, at all. I will tell you with 100% certainty that I just don't have TIME...that's CRAP. I just choose to spend the time doing other things. Like the cycling through the internet thing. If I can find time for that, surely I can find a few minutes to spend with God! And it's not just that I spend time doing useless things, I spend time doing things that need to be done, but I do it in a way and at times that really don't allow me to make the most of the hours in the day. For example, my mornings are always chaotic and for no reason other than that I make them that way. We get up. I spend time on the computer. I might make my way to the shower an hour later. I might get dressed after that...or not. I'll know we need to do our schooling and/or run errands. But we CAN'T because Teagan is almost ready for her morning nap...yeah. I basically waste two hours every morning. I get her down for nap, then I have to do the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher). On schooling days, depending on how we did in the morning before nap, we either finish that up or I clean up from it. If it's a cleaning day (typically Monday and Friday) I will clean. These are all important things, but things that could be done more efficiently and at better timing.

Don't get me wrong, I am BUSY. My days seriously feel non-stop, go-go-go. Even when I'm doing my computer cycling, I'm constantly up doing other things. I just find myself back in this chair looking at things that don't matter as opposed to getting ready to do something else that we should or could be doing.

So this week, I have started to use my time intentionally. And the interesting thing is, the more I do it, the less I feel the need/desire to waste time. The early mornings are actually a perfect time to do the dishes or run to the grocery store; Teagan is in a great mood right after waking! But that requires me to not waste time, which means I'm getting up, getting ready, getting everyone dressed, and getting us out the door. It's not difficult to do (we are about to head out the door now...at 8:30...the kids have only been up for about 30 minutes!), I just typically don't do it. During Teagan's nap, I have initiated a "quiet time"; Ian has to either play quietly in his room or play in the backyard for 30-40 minutes while Mommy reads her Bible. Today is day three. The first day went well, though Ian did pop out every few minutes to ask if quiet time was over. Yesterday did not go as well, with him crying and destroying his train set and bed because he wanted to play in the living room. Today we are getting a timer so when it goes off, he'll know when we're done. Hopefully that will help. They say it takes 6 weeks to make something a habit. So with three days down (I'm counting today, although it hasn't happened yet!) we have 39 days left until this should be a habit. Which is, incidentally, the number of days left until Christmas. What better way to celebrate Christ's birthday than with a new habit that actually puts Him in a priority position in my life? And I know that by doing that, the other pieces of my life will start to fall into the places they should be at, especially my husband and my children.

So, wish me luck. I feel better each day and this is only the beginning. I am very hopeful that this is the kick start I have been needing for the last few months to get me out of the funk that I seem to be stuck in.

Hey...Your Baptist is Showing...

*Disclaimer: My husband and I are new believers. We just discovered that church can be contemporary, non-judgemental, and FUN in 2008 (the first time we went to church since being married and the first time either of us had gone without being taken by some random friend or relative as children on a random Sunday every-so-often) . Around the end of that year is when we both accepted Christ. I don't pretend to know everything, in fact, I spend most of my time with God quite confused and overwhelmed. I am not a theologian, and I am not a charismatic writer or speaker. I'm actually pretty long winded! This post will reflect ALL of that.

A little background since it's important to where I am heading with this. During the summer of 2008, in Las Vegas, a good friend asked me to try a new church with her. I didn't want to, but I can't say no (I'm working on that, but in this case, it turned out to be a good thing!). She showed up on Sunday morning, and Ian, in his 22-month-old glory, and I went to church. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. There was a fantastic place for the kids to play during the service. There was music and lights; they weren't singing hymns, it was like a contemporary concert! The pastor was a great speaker, it wasn't boring at all. The messages were completely relevant to life, they made sense to me. The following week, I brought Hazen; we were hooked.

Hazen seperated from the Air Force and we moved home. We found a church like the one in Vegas, though a bit more low key (we had gone from Vegas to Montana, after all!). The messages there were every bit as relevant. During our time there, we went through a huge crises in our marriage, and it was those services and our new faith that brought us through it. I would say it was the end of 2008/beginning of 2009 that we truly became believers.

Hazen rejoined the military. We moved to North Carolina. We joined a mega church that I will miss everyday for the rest of my life; it was THAT good. (www.mannachurch.com...we still listen to the podcasts. Michael Fletcher is the most amazing man I have heard speak.) We were baptised while attending that church. After a year, God (and the military!) had new plans for us and we headed to Texas. We found a new church, around 100 members maybe, and attended services there. It was like a family and we made great friends in the 2 short months the church was open, friends we still see every week for Bible Study and that will forever hold a special place in my heart. Unfortunately, some benchmarks were not hit and the church had to disband. We began attending the "mega" church here in town, PaulAnn Baptist, but it's never felt like home. However, we've wondered if that's because we will always be comparing every church we go to to Manna. *Note: it's called "PaulAnn Baptist" but it's contemporary. We hadn't heard a Baptist thing come from that place, the children's ministry has been great, the worship band is pretty good. Until...

They are doing baby dedications. I've felt guilty because we have never dedicated Ian. He was simply too old by the time we learned about dedications. As soon as I heard about it I was like "Yes! Let's dedicate Teagan!" I had really hoped Manna would do a dedication while we were there, but with her birth being on a Sunday and our impending move to Texas, we only had two services after she joined our family; a dedication didn't happen in those two weeks. In that church and our one in Helena (Montana), dedications were simple. You went to the front, told about your baby, s/he was prayed over by the congregation, and wa-la! Dedicated baby! At this church, we had to register and pick up a packet. Okay, no big deal, right? Well...

In the packet, there was some paperwork and a CD. There were some cool aspects, I thought, such as some "homework" that required you to set goals for yourself and your baby about what kind of person you'd like them to be over the next 18 years. They also wanted three pictures of the baby, which I feel makes it very personal and more of a celebration than other dedications we've witnessed--I loved that! But the sign up form had a few requirements. The first three weren't a big deal: complete and return the form by such-and-such date, child must have been born in the last year, the parents must be believers. Number 4 is where we ran into problems: "Father and mother must be married. We do not believe in Dedicating a child born to unwed parents who are living together. If this describes your situation, we would love to talk to you about what we believe the Bible teaches in this area. If single, we would love to meet with you to discuss your particular situation. Approval to do the dedication will be determined by staff after the meeting. Number 5. All candidates must be approved by Pastoral Staff of PABC.

This was heartbreaking to read. Obviously we're married and this doesn't apply to us. But what about those who it does apply to? Those babies are less deserving of having their lives dedicated to God than my baby? Says who? And single mothers: they have to plead their case to the staff? What an awful feeling to have to be judged with the very real possibility that after that embarrassment, they will be told "no". And I don't imagine gay couples are even given any kind of consideration. How completely sad. I just really can't understand completely disqualifying certain babies because of their parental situation. The Bible tells us that he knew EVERY ONE of us before we were ever conceived in our mother's womb. We are created in His timing. If he didn't want an unwed mother becoming pregnant, she wouldn't. But that baby she is carrying was put there by God. Gay and Lesbian couples adopting or becoming pregnant through donations or surrogacy: those babies were created by God. They all deserve to be given up to Him, just as much as my beautiful girl who was created during my straight marriage.

I admit, I still really wanted to do the dedication. My baby is already 7-months-old, and registration ends this week. We have to decide NOW. Hazen is completely opposed and wants to find a new church ASAP. At first I thought he was being a little dramatic, but last night I was up with the baby and couldn't go back to sleep. As much as I hate to ever say this (haha): he is right. Completely right. One of my hangups was pulling Ian out of a church, a children's ministry, that he seems to enjoy. He has friends, he has fun. BUT what happens as he starts getting older? What kinds of things is he going to start learning from that ministry? Will it be against what we believe, that we are not the ones to place judgement on anyone? Will more Baptist ideology begin to make itself seen over the coming months and years?

This is not intended to be against Baptists, we just AREN'T Baptist. Those aren't our beliefs and they are not the beliefs we want to pass on to our children. We thought we were in a church that simply held the name from it's Baptist roots and had transformed into one of the welcoming, open, contemporary style churches we have come to love. We were obviously mistaken. I don't want to start over in seeking a church home, but I also don't want my children being taught to think themselves better than anyone. And I truly fear that is where we are heading if we stay at this church.